


Into the West

by Aclassi-krem-puff (Ann_Rose)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, I ship Tamlen with all Mahariel's so I kept it gender neutral, Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 17:26:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17791637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ann_Rose/pseuds/Aclassi-krem-puff
Summary: To overcome their grief at losing a lover, Asher begins writing letters to Tamlen. Grief is a hard thing to overcome, especially when you're trying to save the world.





	Into the West

Ma vhenan,

If you were here, I would hit you. I warned you. I told you not to touch that damn mirror. You always listened to my warnings. Why didn’t you listen to me the one time it truly mattered?

I always thought you that would be the hero and I would be your faithful sidekick. What am I supposed to do when all I’ve done is follow blindly? Suddenly I’m told I am supposed to be a leader. The fate of Fereldan now rests in my hands, you always said they were too small to do anything. I can’t do this Tamlen. I don’t belong here. Nobody wants a sad knife ear as their hero.

I don’t think I’ll ever see the Clan again. That’s sad, Keeper Marethari’s life is going to be so peaceful without us. Remember the one time that we almost burned the forest down? We tried to convince Merrill that we could breathe fire. I still have burns on my hands from that. I should go back just to mess with Merrill and annoy the Keeper.

It wouldn’t be the same without you. I don’t think I would want to see the clan without you by my side.

Why couldn’t I have died? You should be the one in charge, you were always much braver than I was. Fenedhis! This is not how things should be. Why couldn’t I have died alone in the woods and you get the fame? You could have taught shems that the Dalish are to be respected, what am I going to do? I’m the cowardly elf that rarely talks and can’t use a sword without practically stabbing himself.

Though I don’t know if you could survive being around so many shems at once. They’re not as bad as we once thought they were. In fact this one man, Alistair, is nice. He is a bumbling idiot most of the time but I think I can trust him well enough. That doesn’t mean I don’t keep a dagger close by just in case.

You’ll never guess who we have recruited. Tamlen, it’s a Qunari! I always told you how much I wanted to meet one when we stumbled over that one while in the forest. Remember Tamlen? He was running from some other Qunari. We hid in the trees until they were gone. You were so scared, I held your hand to stop you from screaming. I made fun of you for a month after that. It wasn’t often that I was the one who comforted you.

Ar lath ma. Why couldn’t it have been me? I want to curse at the Gods for taking you from me. You were the only good thing in my life and you’re gone. Emma ir abelas. I am being childish. I can’t let your sacrifice mean nothing. You wouldn’t have wanted me to waste away in my grief and die a foolish death in battle. Emma lath, it’s a struggle every day just to get up and try to save a world that I don’t want to live in anymore.

I know I will die during this blight. It is inevitable. I can’t kill an archdemon, I can barely kill a man. When my time finally comes, I will spend eternity next to you and we will finally be reunited once again.

Ar lath ma,  
Asher

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ma vhenan,

We have another elf with us, his name is Zevran. He isn’t Dalish, but I wouldn’t call him a flat ear. He is from Antiva, and I doubt any shemlen would be brave enough to call themselves his master. He is an assassin, and as he looks at me I know that he is thinking of twelve different ways to kill me. Yet, when I look at him I don’t feel unsafe. In fact, ma vhenan, this is the most comfortable I’ve been since I’ve left the clan. I spend most of my time around him, it is comfortable to be around another elf. Although, he is very different from the elves that I am used to.

Zevran flirts with me, and it’s not in the same way that you tried to. Zevran winks at me and makes comments on the different ways that he would have sex with me, it is very different from the two of us blushing to the tips of our ears when you accidentally brush your finger over my thumb.

If it wasn’t for him trying to have sex with me, I am sure you would like Zevran. Having an assassin guard you is strangely comforting. He examines my weak spots and sometimes he’ll lean over and whisper things in my ear.

Instead of the wildly inappropriate comment that I expected, he’ll say something similar to “that man over there is about to come over and kill you.” It’s strangely comforting in a world filled with dirty shems to have an elf watch your back threatening to murder all the shemlen who call us knife-ears.

I wish I could go back to spending every day with you and the clan.  But that doesn’t stop me from missing everything about my old life. The way you whispered my name low and husky as we escaped from camp late at night, I miss discussing Gods with the Keeper, I even miss Master Ilen’s chores in the morning and Merrill’s incessant attempts at tagging along with us when we went hunting. Why didn’t we let her follow us one day? We shouldn’t have teased her so much, I miss her dearly.  
Of course none of this compares to how much I miss you. I find any moments that I am not busy with something blight related I am thinking of you. What I wouldn’t give for one more moonlight walk with you holding my hand.  
Tomorrow we are going to visit a Dalish clan. I am very excited, I know Zevran can tell. He reached over and squeezed my shaking hand when I told our camp where we were going next. I froze and stared at his hand on top of mine. When I made eye contact with him he winked. I felt my heart pound in my chest. Afterwards I felt sick with myself. Tamlen you are the only one that I want, not the first elf I meet after my heart is broken by your death. I feel like I am betraying you ma vhenan even though I have done nothing wrong.

Ar lath ma,  
Asher

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Ma vhenan,

All the Dalish camp did was remind me of what I have missed. Despite how corrupt and broken it was, all I could think of was how envious I was of everyone in the camp. They didn’t have darkspawn blood running through them, they weren’t forced to fight a battle they weren’t prepared for. The bloody shemlens are forcing me to fight a battle that has nothing to do with me. I am not strong, I am not brave, I am nothing. I would go home if I could  
Ir abelas. If you were here you would take me aside once you noticed my sour expression, then you would lecture me on my cowardness. “This is your chance to prove yourself lethallin, don’t waste it. Save the damn shems and show them what the Dalish are made of.” I would smile at you when you hugged me and then kissed the tip of my nose.  
But you’re not here. Instead I have Zevran. He listens to my fears and responds unexpectedly. With you everything was expected, I can always assume what you are going to say before you say it. With him everything is foreign. It’s exciting Tamlen, that’s the only way I can describe it. He forces me out of the familiarity that I grew accustomed to with you.  
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I should not be having these thoughts about someone that is not you. Ir abelas.

Ar lath ma,  
Asher

 ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

He kissed me.  
I let him.  
Ir abelas. 

 

 ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Tamlen, it’s different with him. Our noses don’t bump when we kiss. His hands expertly take off my armor instead of fumbling like you used to. The giggles and sweet kisses have been replaced with shaky breaths and loud moans. He doesn’t kiss me chastely on the nose, instead he captures my mouth hungrily with a fervor that I never experienced with you.  
It’s not the same with him. It’s not even better. But it is still good. Every time I lay with him I feel disgusted with myself afterwards. I want to stop, but when the moon replaces the sun in the sky, I find myself in his tent once more.  
The disgust that I feel with myself is waning though. What will happen when that is gone? That is all that I have left of you. The grief I have when I lay with a man who is not you. Ir abelas. Ir abelas. Ir abelas.

 

 ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Tamlen,  
I’m not sorry anymore. I can’t be. Zevran deserves more than a partner who hurts when they are with them. I love him Tamlen. You are ma sa’lath, yet I cannot deny the pleasurable pain in my heart when I am with him.  
I do not know what you would feel about my relationship with Zev. I ache to know what you would say. Part of me wants to say that you would be okay with this, you loved me and would want me to be happy and move on. The other part knows about your jealousy. You did punch Fenarel in the face for jokingly calling me Ash one time. You spit on him and told him that was only for you to say.  
I don’t let Zevran call me Ash. That is one of the few things I will keep only between us.  
I miss you ma vhenan. You deserve to be here.  
You don’t deserve someone who would move on only months after you died.  
Tel’abelas

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Ma vhenan,  
You were here in camp.  
I saw you.  
I spoke to you.  
I killed you. Ar lasa mala revas you said. Ar lasa mala revas. You are free now. Even in that state you knew what I needed to hear.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Ma vhenan,  
This will be the last letter I will write to you. It was a silly thing for me to do, it’s not like I will ever get a response. Once I killed you I laid over your body for a long time the tears falling from my eyes. When I looked up Zevran was sitting next to me. He wasn’t speaking. He knew I was too far gone for generic platitudes. When I finished I told him what I wanted to do. He helped me dig the hole for you. Afterwards he left me alone. I planted the tree and started whispering the Elvish Eulogy.  
Hahren na melana sahlin, emma ir abelas. Souver’inan isala hamin, vhenan him dor’felas, in uthenera na revas. Vir sulahn’nehn, vir dirthera, vir samahl la numin, vir lath sa’vunin.  
Afterwards Zevran kissed me. I left his side to come to your grave and I have been sitting here ever since writing this. I know that Alistair and Wynne want to leave soon Zevran told me he will keep them at bay until I am ready to move on. There is something final about moving on like this.  
You will always be apart of me, but I’m not going to keep acting like you’re next to me. It’s childish and foolish, it only prevents me from happiness in the real world.  
Ar lath ma. I will always love you. Just like you always loved me. I do not ache for death as I once did. I know that my mission is here. I will fight side by side with Zevran and when Falon’din decides it is my time I will use my oak branch gladly. I will rejoice when I meet you again ma vhenan, but for now I know my duty. Thank you. 

Dareth shiral ma vhenan. Ar lath ma.


End file.
